I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
