I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
