about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
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