Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
