happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
