Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
