Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
We left the knife in your bed.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize
