Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
