remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
