seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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