When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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