They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
