history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
