I cannot find my penis.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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