Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
This toilet bowl is my home.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
