Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Randomize
