ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
