News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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