Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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