I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
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