if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
