so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
