Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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