i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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