Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
