the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
