I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
