remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
