It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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