umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
