I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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