I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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