I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
