You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
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