i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
im about as happy as oj after his trial
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Randomize
