i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Enjoy the penises
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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