I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
