you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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