if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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