I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
