I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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