just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize