hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
