Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
no. you can't hotbox the world.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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