He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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