My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
We are all done wearing pants today
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
