The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
