Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
