I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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