Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
