I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize