When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize