why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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