I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
