I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i was born a porn star she said
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
