You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
