You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
