in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
