guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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