My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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