I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize